The title of a film needs to somehow relate to the film itself. In fact, the title of the film does not need to mislead the audience into thinking something that doesn’t, in fact, happen. “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington” – guess what, Mr. Smith went to Washington. “Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle” – guess what, Harold & Kumar went to White Castle. No confusion there. So, when all the fuss was made about “Zack & Miri Make A Porno”, I just assumed they would be making a porno in the film. They definitely shoot scenes for a porno. They definitely talk about making a porno. They hire actors for a porno and shoot those actors having sex for the porno. But the film ends and guess what – they didn’t make a porno. Kevin Smith is one of those directors you either love or you hate. I have disliked most of his films, with “Dogma” serving as the screaming exception. I don’t like a director who has to rely on fecal matter and vulgarity for all of his humor and that seems to be what Kevin Smith relies upon solely. He doesn’t know how to make something naturally funny and he doesn’t have the directorial savvy to let his actors roll with the material. “Zack & Miri Make A Porno” was bad. It wasn’t just bad – it was ridiculous, and utterly, utterly forgettable.
The premise here is simple – Zack (Seth Rogen) and Miri (Elizabeth Banks) live together and are broke, broke, broke. First their water gets shut off, then their electricity. They decide that they’re going to make a porno, sell it and make lots and lots of cash. They enlist their friend Delaney (Craig Robinson) to help and then audition a group of people for the various roles. Their actors include Jason Mewes as a man who can generate an erection immediately, Traci Lords as a woman who can fart and blow bubbles out of her vagina and Katie Morgan as Stacey, who is the only girl on the planet who seems to want to do anal. The group assemble and embark on “Star Whores”, only to have their pornographic dreams shut down by a wrecking ball. After some inspirational thinking, they change their idea and start shooting in the local coffee shop, where Zack works, shooting on the company camcorder and using a hockey stick for a boom mic. Of course, Zack and Miri have to have sex and soon start to realize they have feelings for one another than transcend their usual friendship. Things happen, Zack leaves, Zack comes back, Zack and Miri get together.
What a horrible fucking disappointment. “Zack and Miri Make A Porno” pissed me off because it seems like it was ramshackled together with popsicle sticks and Elmer’s Glue. Kevin Smith does not need to keep making movies if this is all he has up his sleeve. I can’t think of a single thing he did right here. The closest scene to ‘perfection’ was when Zack and Miri have sex for the first time, though I don’t know if I agree with the choice of a Live song to be playing in the background. And then – in the middle of his best sequence – he cuts over to the rest of the actors just standing there and watching, engaged in some benign conversation that has no relevance whatsoever. The man doesn’t know a good thing when it’s staring him in the face. The whole film takes these derails to allow supporting characters a chance to speak for a few seconds, as when a man stumbles into the coffee shop during filming and asks for a coffee. Instead of sending him away, they stop what they are doing, make him a coffee and give him a solid two minutes to talk about random bullshit that does nothing for the advancement of this picture. What was the purpose of that?
This film felt like Kevin Smith trying to emulate Judd Apatow. Guess what – Kevin Smith is not Judd Apatow. I don’t care how hard he tries, his dialog just doesn’t work as well. And I know what you’re thinking – “Clerks”, dude, “Clerks”. Sure, that film had its moments and it was a seminal piece of 1990's cinema, but it was basically just Smith and his friends hanging out and having fun. He has gotten far too pretentious to do that anymore, evident by the atrocious “Clerks II”. Even Seth Rogen isn’t very funny here, doing the same thing he always does and not changing it up at all. The highlight of the film was the always entertaining Craig Robinson. He has been a favorite of mine since I first saw him in “The Office” and he’s great here as the producer with the nagging wife and the affinity for titties. And Traci Lords was enjoyable in her role also, a nice comeback for her. But any appreciation for this film I might have had was eradicated when we learn that one of the female characters is constipated. As another character is having anal sex with her and another character lies on the ground beneath filming – the unthinkable happens. The man removes his penis from her ass and a gallon of fecal matters splatters onto the guy on the floor. Can anyone really justify this as entertainment? Why on Earth would someone put that in a feature film?
Now on to my being offended. Justin Long and Brandon Routh play two homosexual characters in the film. No biggie, right? Well, listen to Justin Long throw on his horrible fake-gay accent. He is a walking stereotype. Brandon Routh basically does the same thing, but at least he is gay and makes it look more natural. All these characters do is reference how much they love having butt sex with one another. There is no depth to either of them and they’re not funny in the slightest. Is this what passes for humor in Kevin Smith’s world? If so, he needs a new career path. The more I think about this film, the more I absolutely hate it. “Zack & Miri Make A Porno” might be the worst film of the year. It was definitely the most offensive to me and I don’t get offended easily at the movies. There was no reason for this film to be made. And, at the end of the day, you want a film to live up to its title. Zack and Miri never make a porno. They make a disaster.
Seth Rogen (Zack)
Elizabeth Banks (Miri)
Craig Robinson (Delaney)
Traci Lords (Bubbles)
Brandon Routh (Bobby Long)
Justin Long (Brandon St. Randy)
Jason Mewes (Lester)
Katie Morgan (Stacey)
Director: Kevin Smith
RATED R
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